Kankurou's Growth Spurts
by sand-nin-gurl
Summary: Because the Health Inspectors kicking him out of his house due to a rare fungus growing from old Ramen, Naruto must stay with the Sand nins for a few weeks, during which Kankurou goes through abnormal changes. (All finished!)
1. Prologue

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS

Hello there! I have returned! muhahahaha! ok. I got alot of reviews for my first Fan Fic, SHinobis or Babysitters, telling me to write more Sand Siblings fan fics, so I worte this one, muhahaha. I like to think it's longer then the first one, but I'm not sure. R&R, please?

* * *

Prologue  
  
Naruto grinned widely and picked up his chopsticks. This was his twelfth bowl of ramen (mind you, he's only been awake for five minutes), and even though he was practically full, he was determined to eat it.  
  
He was Naruto, after all.  
  
As he slurped the delicious noodles, he glanced out of his window at the streets below. Huh. Those looked like health inspection trucks. Shikamaru's dad must have gotten drunk again. Naruto shrugged it off; it wasn't like it concerned him. He went back to his noodles.  
  
"HEY! OPEN THE DOOR!"  
  
"Huh?" Naruto turned. Someone was banging on his door. "Who's there?"  
  
"Konoha Village Health Inspection."  
  
"Whoops." Naruto did a five-second clean up of all the ramen containers, then opened the door. Two white bugs with huge, black, bulging eyes stood in his doorway. "ARGH! WE'RE BEING OVER-RUN BY INSECTS!"  
  
"No," one of the bugs snapped. "We've had a complaint about this residence and we need to do an inspection."  
  
"Oh." Naruto stepped aside, allowing them access to his house.  
  
One hour later  
  
Naruto sat at his table, his head propped up on his hands, half-asleep. Every so often, he heard the bug-people-who-claimed-to-be-health-inspectors say something, but he didn't really catch on.  
  
THUD.  
  
"I AM NOT ASLEEP, SASUKE!" Naruto shouted, jumping up.  
  
The two bug-people-who-claimed-to-be-health-inspectors starred at him.  
  
"Sorry." Naruto sat down, looking at the table. His eyes widened. Before him was what looked like either a very small science fair, or an exhibit of his bathroom? "Whoa, are you guys doing a dirt exhibiting?"  
  
"No. This is a small sample of the dirt we found around your apartment," one of the bugs answered.  
  
Naruto was still a little shocked that there were bugs that big that could talk.  
  
"Well, that's interesting," he mumbled, about to go to sleep again.  
  
"Furthermore," the bug guy said loudly, calling Naruto's attention again. "The Cup Noodles containers, which you seemed to be obsessed with, once had noodles still lodged on the sides, and have therefore grown into a bacteria which is quite harmful to mankind."  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"No, Uzamaki Naruto, it is not 'cool.'"  
  
"...Why?"  
  
"We will have to disinfect this entire apartment in order to get rid of the bacteria."  
  
"...Ok, yeah, and I'm staying where?" It actually registered in Naruto's head that he couldn't be in the house while it was disinfected! (LOUD APPLAUSE!)  
  
"We'll leave that to you. The disinfections will take up to two weeks."  
  
"TWO WEEKS?!" Naruto howled.  
  
"That's right. We suggest you pack all of your valuable belongings and clothes so they do not get harmed."  
  
The Next day (a/n: all of these time difference notices are said with the same voice that's used in Spongebob.)  
  
Naruto sighed angrily, dragging his feet. He'd asked everyone he knew if he could stay over his or her house for two weeks. Not even Iruka-sensei would let him, seeing as Iruka was away on vacation. So far, no one had said yes.  
  
"Where are you going?" said a bone-chilling voice. "Uzamaki Naruto."  
  
Naruto turned. "G-Gaara?" He paused.  
  
The red-haired, gourd-laden sand-nin nodded from where he was leaning casually up against an alleyway.  
  
"My house is getting disinfected and no one will let me stay with them for two weeks," Naruto explained.  
  
Gaara looked at him for a moment. "So stay with me."  
  
"Eh? I can't leave the village I don't have—"  
  
"Not in the Sand Village," Gaara said coldly. "We're renting an apartment here."  
  
"Oh ... Cool!" Naruto ran after Gaara, who started walking away.  
  
A/N: So, Naruto is invited to stay with Gaara of the Sand and his siblings. Things seem innocent enough, but you never know what happens what Naruto gets bored! Up next: Criminal Masterminds! 


	2. Criminal Masterminds

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS

OK, FIRST CHAPPIE! I know the prolog was unnaturally boring and didn't reveal anything, but what can you do? Heh. No flames, please! I'm gonna say this again, just like with SHinobis or Babysitters, I DON'T hate Kankurou! Are we all clear on that? (looks around and makes sure everyone is nodding) Again, please R&R!

* * *

Chapter One: Criminal Masterminds  
  
"Do you realize there is NOTHING to do around here?" Naruto asked, sprawled on the floor in front of the TV.  
  
Temari looked over her shoulder from where she was ordering take-out. "SO, entertain yourself."  
  
Naruto sighed heavily and continued watching TV. Gaara sat behind him on the sofa.  
  
"Hey, Naruto," Gaara said softly. "I know a way we can entertain ourselves."  
  
"How?" Naruto asked, sitting up.  
  
"Well," Gaara said, sliding down to sit next to Naruto, "Kankurou has been on a diet lately, since some girl called him fat. Temari thinks his diet is dangerous. What if," Gaara had an evil gleam in his pale green eyes, speaking in a hushed tone so Temari couldn't hear, "Kankurou's clothes were to suddenly be really baggy on him?"  
  
Naruto paused, thinking. Then he grinned. "I think we need to do some shopping."  
  
The next day  
  
"Hey, Temari," Kankurou said, coming out of his room for breakfast. "Don't these look a little baggy to you?" He pulled at the sides of his black jump suit to show his meaning.  
  
Temari turned to look. "Kankurou, I told you that diet was dangerous!" she cried. "Come over here, let's weigh you!"  
  
Gaara and Naruto looked at each other, grinning. Gaara looked back at the scale on which Kankurou was standing.  
  
"Look, see, Temari, I weigh the same as before!"  
  
"No, you don't, look!" Temari pointed down at the scale (it was one of those old kinds with the red line which shows your weight) "You lost 69 pounds!"  
  
"Whoa!" Kankurou stared at the scale, as well. Unbeknownst to them, a small, insignificant blob of sand was underneath the dial, making it say 105 instead of Kankurou's real weight. "I don't know what happened, Temari!"  
  
"Maybe it's unhealthy for you to weigh that much, Kankurou," Naruto said helpfully, over his cereal.  
  
"Yeah." Kankurou jumped into his chair, and got out his spoon and fork. "Lay it on me, Temari!"  
  
As Temari piled his plate with food, she frowned, looking at his face. "You know, I don't see any difference, really."  
  
"Come on, Temari," Naruto cried, "can't you see the wasted look? The hallowed cheeks?"  
  
"The blood-shot eyes?" Gaara added. It was true; Kankurou's eyes were blood shot (curtsey of a certain sand granule in his eye).  
  
"I'll take that," Kankurou said, snatching up Naruto's rice, as it seemed he wasn't going to eat it. (Of course, seeing Kankurou eat food like a vacuum cleaner would put anyone out of their appetite.)  
  
"Don't worry," Naruto muttered, turning a slight shade of green," I'm not hungry, anyway."  
  
"Yeah, take mine, too," Gaara said, shoving his entire breakfast across the table to Kankurou, whose cheeks were currently being stuffed to the fullest extent.  
  
"Kankurou, if you don't leave some room in your mouth, how are your teeth gonna move up and down?" Temari asked.  
  
"Oh, yah," Kankurou said, through a mouth of rice.  
  
"Yeah, I mean—EW, KANKUROU, THAT'S GROSS!"  
  
TWHACK!  
  
"What?" Kankurou looked at the pile of half-chewed rice on his plate. "You said I should make room for—"  
  
"NOT LIKE THAT! THERE'S A LITTLE THING CALLED DIGESTION!"  
  
"Whazzat?" Kankurou asked, his mouth already restuffed.  
  
"Um, we'll just get something while we're out," Naruto said, still looking sort of sick, as he and Gaara stood up and headed for the door. (Of course, Temari's agitated looks had something to do with their running away.)  
  
"Mmm! Mmm-m-mmm-mm mm!" Kankurou said, trying to talk through his rice.  
  
"Fine, we'll get you some squid," Gaara said, looking as if he were going to throw up whatever he had eaten.  
  
Naruto gave him a weird look as they closed the door and headed down the hall.  
  
"Don't ask, ok, just don't!"  
  
"Well, I'll tell you one thing; if your cheeks were hallow this morning, they sure aren't now," Temari said as Kankurou sat back, finally, after lunch, and patted his stomach.  
  
"Yep. I'm gonna gain back that weight even if it kills me," Kankurou said, even though his mouth was thoroughly exhausted from moving up and down for two hours, chewing non-stop.  
  
"Oh, don't worry," Gaara said from the sofa where he and Naruto had their lunches (they'd gotten ramen, which, surprisingly, Kankurou refused to eat. They owed it to the fact that Naruto's fungus/bacteria had festered from ramen noodles. Thank god.). "I heard pigs can eat up to eight times a day, and still not explode. Maybe that'll work for you."  
  
"Yeah, I mean, you got the ears down," Naruto said, slurping up his noodles.  
  
Kankurou scowled at them. He got out a piece of paper and a marker, and wrote, in rather large, messy letters, "I HATE YOU!" on the paper and showed it to them.  
  
"Dear god, our lives are complete," Naruto said in a very serious voice, before going back to his ramen.  
  
Later  
  
"Do you think he knows?" Gaara asked, once they were in his room; Kankurou had somehow managed to go to bed, and Temari was washing dishes, a chore that had grown to take half the day with Kankurou's new "diet."  
  
"Nope. Those suits are exactly identical to his. Besides, the only ones he has, I got at the 'Make Your Sumo Wrestler Happy' store." The two demon vessels exchanged looks.  
  
"So, where're his clothes?"  
  
"Oh, they're in your closet. No one goes in there, anyway."  
  
"I go in there!"  
  
"Yeah, well." Naruto grinned. "They don't!"  
  
"How long is it gonna be before he gets fat again?" Gaara asked, going to his closet just to make sure.  
  
"I'd say, tomorrow, we switch his suits with the ones we got from 'Bean Poles, Inc.'" Naruto grinned. "After all, who needs that extra weight?"  
  
Gaara turned and looked at Naruto. "You have a dark gift."  
  
"I know, but only on days ending with Y."  
  
(A/N: Ok, well, another chapter done! They're all kind of short, but oh well. Next chapter: 'Bean Poles Inc.: Kankurou's Gym Experience!'


	3. Bean Poles, Inc: Kankurou's Gym Experien...

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS

Hello, there! . lol. I got alotta nice reviews for the first chappie and only one flamer (YAY!). SO I decided you all deserved the next chappie. .- R&R!

* * *

Chapter Two: Bean Poles, Inc: Kankurou's Gym Experience  
  
Temari frowned when Kankurou showed up for breakfast, looking very much annoyed. "Kankurou, weren't you a bean pole yesterday?"  
  
Kankurou scowled and tried to cross his arms but couldn't. The other three could see why: his jumpsuit, which yesterday had looked like elephant skin, was now very, very tight. As in, clinging-in-wrong-places-tight! In fact, it was so tight, the only movement he could manage was to put one foot in front of the other, and even then, he sort of waddled.  
  
"What do you expect?" Kankurou snapped, not bothering to try and sit down, as he had an uncanny feeling his pants would rip, "I've been eating like a horse!"  
  
"Maybe you should go to a gym," Naruto suggested. "That way, you can get rid of that stuff fast." He smiled innocently.  
  
Kankurou actually grinned a bit. "Yeah, Ok. Temari--food, over here. I can't sit."  
  
Naruto and Gaara exchanged looks. Both of them were beginning to think that Kankurou had the most gullible mind in history; Naruto didn't have anything on him!  
  
"I'll go with you," Temari said, giving Kankurou a plate of food. "I've been meaning to lose a few pounds, myself."  
  
"Temari, are you fat?"  
  
TWHACK!  
  
"NO!" Temari shouted, as poor, fan-shaped-bruised Naruto fell off his chair. Gaara, lucky jerk, was smirking from behind a shield of sand. 

At the gym  
  
"Come on, Kankurou, let's do this," Temari said, going into a room.  
  
"But, I wanna watch the—" Kankurou sighed and followed her; Temari had made him change into some of their dad's clothes (How they got the clothes into Konoha within a half hour is beyond me), since it was really embarrassing to be seen with him in public. "WHOA!"  
  
Kankurou proceeded to pass out due to loss of blood. The cause: nose bleed.  
  
Temari looked back at him. "It's only yoga..."  
  
Later  
  
"All right, ladies!" the perky teacher squealed from the front of the room. "And Kankurou!"  
  
Kankurou grinned from where he was standing in the back of the room. He had a goo-oo-od view from here!  
  
"We're going to do some simple moves, so try to keep up!" the teacher squealed, putting her hands on her hips. "Our first move is called Down Dog."  
  
Kankurou looked around frantically as all the girls around him did the pose; apparently, they all knew what she was talking about. He shrugged, and attempted the pose, which required him to put his hands on the front of the mat, and his feet at the other, in an upside-down V shape. Hey, this wasn't too hard!  
  
"The next move is called Plank!"  
  
Kankurou looked around from the Down Dog position. All the girls still had their hands and feet where they had been, except that they looked like an upside-down check mark, with their heads directly above their hands. He sighed and did the pose. Again, not so hard! Ha, ha, he could do this!  
  
Half and hour later  
  
"... Can't ... do this..." he sobbed, crawling out of the room, far behind the other girls, who were chattering happily to themselves, headed for the changing rooms.  
  
"Come on, what was so hard about it?" Temari asked. "Those were easy!"  
  
"Easy for you to say," Kankurou mumbled, face down on the floor, totally exhausted. "I should have started with something easy ... like walking."  
  
"Yeah, right," Temari scoffed. "After you've walked two feet, you'd collapse and say you should have done yoga."  
  
"Uh-huh, but ONLY," Kankurou said, pointing at the ceiling, as if trying to make a practical point, "if I'd seen the girls first."  
  
"You disgust me."  
  
"I'm so glad," he mumbled, putting his hand down again; raising it had consumed all the energy he'd been building up while lying there.  
  
"Fine," she snapped, turning on her heel. "Then you can drag your own corpse to the changing rooms."  
  
"No—wait! TEMARI!" Kankurou sobbed, lifting his chin. "Temari, I love you, darling sister of mine!" He saw her feet keep walking away. "Temari, I—SCREW YOU, I CAN DRAG MYSELF OVER THERE!" He looked around for the changing room.  
  
Suddenly, it seemed very far away.  
  
"TEMARI!"  
  
One hour later  
  
"OK, Kankurou, let's go," Temari said, exiting the ladies' changing room.  
  
"But—but—!" Kankurou looked in the yoga class they had been in. "So many girls ... so many leotards...!"  
  
"Let's GO!" Temari snapped, grabbing the back of his shirt and dragging him out the door.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kankurou screamed, grabbing the sides of the doors to the yoga class. "I DON'T WANNA GO!"  
  
"YES, YOU DO!" Temari snapped back, yanking him by his feet.  
  
"NO, I DON'T! I WANT TO EXCERISE!"  
  
"YOU NEARLY DIED TRYING!"  
  
"I WANT TO DIE MORE!"  
  
"TOO BAD FOR YOU, FATSO!"  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU BLIMP!"  
  
Dead silence.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"  
  
... Danger!  
  
THUD! TWHACK! BAM! BOOM!  
  
...  
  
"See you tomorrow," Temari said sweetly to the ladies at the counter (whose current expression was not unlike that of a guppy), dragging her brother out of the gym by one foot.  
  
At the Sand-nin's apartment  
  
"Jeez, Kankurou, what happened to your face?" Naruto asked, grinning.  
  
Kankurou scowled at him (Well, they had a feeling he did; his face was so covered in bruises, it was had to tell, but the wave of hate was enough). "You don't want to know."  
  
"Oh..." Gaara shivered. "Called Temari fat, huh?"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, GAARA?!"  
  
"Nothing, nothing..." Gaara ducked as a frying pan suddenly became airborne, aimed at his head.  
  
"Jeez ... and I thought SAKURA-CHAN was scary," Naruto muttered, instantly diving under the sofa.  
  
...  
  
"OW!" Naruto looked around under the sofa; Temari had slid a frying pan across the floor; he could feel a bruise growing on his arm.  
  
"That's it, I'm never going to a gym again," Kankurou groaned, slapping an ice pack on his face. "Even if it was worth it towards the beginning..."  
  
"Kankurou."  
  
"Wha-a-at?" he groaned, moving the ice pack to look at Temari out of one eye.  
  
"You were unconscious!"  
  
"... Shut up."  
  
Later that night  
  
"It's official," Naruto said, sitting down in Gaara's room, which they had dubbed "H.Q." "Your brother sucks."  
  
"You don't have to remind me," Gaara groaned, in a long-suffering groan. "I live with him, remember?"  
  
"You mean, he always sucked?"  
  
"Naruto." Gaara gave him a pointed look. "He plays with DOLLS."  
  
Three days later (seven days into Naruto's visit)  
  
"Ok, come on, Kankurou, we're going for a jog!" Temari said loudly to her older brother, whose face was currently in his breakfast.  
  
"You go ... you jog..." he mumbled into his rice.  
  
"Come on, you're going too!" she said, loudly, hitting his shoulder.  
  
"'S'all dark..."  
  
"Get your face out of your food, and I promise things'll brighten up," Gaara said, looking at the top of his brother's head.  
  
"Shut up..." Kankurou mumbled, turning his head slightly.  
  
"Whoa..." Naruto looked at the little bit of Kankurou's face that he could now see. "Pig-Ears forgot his war-paint!"  
  
There was a scraping of chairs, and suddenly, all three of them were looking at Kankurou's face, which Temari yanked out of breakfast.  
  
"Wow," Gaara said quietly. "What is it?"  
  
"I don't know," Temari said in a hushed voice. "I think he's possessed..."  
  
"Temari," Kankurou said in a pleading voice. His head was being yanked backwards by his scalp, but he still managed to look like he was begging (even though every single muscle in his body was either sore, or stretched beyond repair). "For the last three days, I have done NOTHING but exercise. I've done sit ups, I've done push-ups, I've jogged one street, I've jogged another, I've lifted weights, I've done your yoga, and I actually got good at it ... Now, can I ... PLEASE ... sleep?"  
  
He really didn't look well, they noticed. Of course, he'd dropped about twenty pounds, which made him fit into his suit (Bean Poles, Inc.). But under his eyes, there were dark bags not unlike Gaara's; his eyes were blood-shot from lack of sleep, and his arms and legs hung uselessly at his side. (The food still stuck to his face added a disgusting effect, as well.)  
  
"Fine," Temari said, after a moment's looking him over. "I guess you could use it."  
  
"Thank god..." he sobbed, dropping his head back into his rice.  
  
"Whoa...Kankurou has hair?" Naruto asked, his eyes wide.  
  
Temari looked at the hood in her hand, then at Kankurou's chocolate-colored head. "I forgot what color it was," she said after a moment. She turned to the two boys. "We should carry him to his room."  
  
The two boys looked at each other, and rolled their eyes hugely, going back to their rice.  
  
"Come on, he's not that fat!" Temari snapped, whacking them (a.k.a. Poor, abused little Naruto). "It's not that far."  
  
Gaara gave her a look.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Temari," he said pointedly, pushing Kankurou's face up with the other end of his chopsticks. "That's just nasty."  
  
Temari bent down to look at the comatose puppeteer again. His eyes were rolled back and his mouth hung open. Gaara gave her a look.  
  
"So, lift him with the sand," she said, shrugging.  
  
"I don't think so," he said, letting Kankurou's head drop again, and going back to his own food.  
  
"Um ... Gaara..." Naruto said quietly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Does she normally look that evil?"  
  
Gaara looked up again.  
  
Thunder crashed behind Temari. Fires burned in her eyes; her fists clenched and unclenched. "Gaara..." she hissed, in a possessed voice.  
  
"Yup." Gaara went back to his food.  
  
Naruto shrunk back when Temari turned on him. He, however, didn't have Gaara's nerves of steel. "Ok, ok! Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!" Four clones appeared around him; one of the Naruto's went over to Kankurou and draped his listless arm across his shoulder.  
  
"WHOA, HE STINKS!" the Naruto shouted, letting Kankurou drop.  
  
Our puppeteer, however, slept on.  
  
"So, give him a shower," Temari said, shrugging. "Shouldn't be that hard, you all bathe together, anyway."  
  
"Yeah, but not with him!"  
  
Cue thunder  
  
"But, hey, first time for everything!" all the Narutos said, grabbing Kankurou and dragging him away towards the bathroom.  
  
Gaara glanced at Temari, who was currently cleaning up the mess Kankurou had made on the floor and table, then picked up his own rice and chopsticks and followed Naruto. He was gonna watch this, and he was gonna get his nutrition at the same time. Gaara: 2, Rest of the world: 0.  
  
Naruto struggled aimlessly with Kankurou's jumpsuit (how the heck did the dude get it on and off?!) while Gaara sat on a stool near the door, watching him.  
  
"You're gonna give him something to put on, aren't you?" Gaara asked, raising an eyebrow as Naruto started patting around the suit, looking for a zipper.  
  
Naruto gave him a harassed look that said "well duh," then went back to looking for the zipper and/or snaps and/or buttons.  
  
Half and hour later  
  
"Still nothing?" Gaara asked, coming back into the bathroom with another bowl of rice.  
  
"No!"  
  
Gaara rolled his eyes.  
  
"HEY! FAT-FACE!" Naruto shouted, shaking Kankurou. "WAKE UP!"  
  
His shakings, however, only caused Kankurou's head to roll slightly. Naruto scowled. He then proceeded to slap Kankurou right and left.  
  
"Huh...? 'S'all dark still..."  
  
"WHERE'S THE STUPUD ZIPPER ON THE STUPID SUIT SO I CAN GIVE YOU A STUPID BATH?!" Naruto shouted.  
  
"'S'on the back..."  
  
...  
  
"The back?" Naruto flipped Kankurou over and looked. Sure enough, there was a zipper, located at the nape of his neck.  
  
Gaara snorted.  
  
Naruto scowled, unzipping the suit and pulling Kankurou's already-sleeping body out of it.  
  
...  
  
"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" Naruto fell over, laughing so hard he was sure he's broken a few ribs.  
  
"What?" Gaara peeked over the rim of his bowl.  
  
Naruto pointed frantically at Kankurou, still laughing. Gaara was beginning to think something was fundamentally wrong with the blonde ...  
  
But that was before he saw was he was laughing at.  
  
In the kitchen  
  
Temari looked around; she heard a strange noise, one that never dared make its appearance in her house (as if anyone could make it there). It sounded oddly like ...  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Temari scowled at herself, whipping saliva from the corners of her mouth. She wondered how she could have even tried to make an example of it! Oh well. Not like anyone heard it ... right? She better check, just in case.  
  
She headed down the hall to where the three boys were in the bathroom, supposedly bathing Kankurou. She knocked once on the door and opened it. "Is everything—"  
  
"DON'T COME IN!"  
  
The door immediately slammed shut. "THIS IS GUY STUFF!" she heard Naruto shout.  
  
"Um ... ok..." she eyeballed the door for a few minutes, then went back down the hall.  
  
In the bathroom  
  
"That was close," Gaara gasped, pressing himself against the door.  
  
Naruto laughed again, tossing Kankurou in the bathtub. "What could she do?"  
  
Gaara's eyes grew wide. "She can do stuff, Naruto," he said in a shivering voice. "Scary stuff!"  
  
Naruto shrugged, as he had not yet experienced the horror that is an annoyed Temari, while scrubbing Kankurou's hair. "You gotta admit, though, I mean, who knew Kankurou owned those?"  
  
"I know ... I'm never looking at him again ... I don't think my ribs could take it." Gaara shook his head, going back to his rice.  
  
"I know, I mean, who knew he had a pair of heart-and-kisses-print boxers?"  
  
(A/N: Yay! All done! This one was kind of long ... but I had all these ideas for it! And they just kept coming ... and coming ... and coming! And yes I'm aware that sounded VERY wrong. Next Chapter: Grasshopper.)


	4. Grasshoppers

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS  
  
Chapter Three: Grasshoppers

Hmm...not alotta reviews on the last one. Oh well. I SHALL CONTINUE, THAT I SHALL!! I promise things will heat up, No pairings, no yaoi, no nuthin. Just comedy, you sickos. Snicker. Btw, y'all can't read without leaving a review, otehrwise I will not continue. I await at least six reviews on this chappie before I post the other. Beware. I may never continue, thus leaving you all in suspense! I love you all!

Oh yeah...Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but if I did, Sasuke wouldn't be a jerk, Gaara would have a normal childhood, and Kazekage would be DEAD, I TELL YOU, DEAD! And Yashamaru, for that matter.

Reminders: I don't hate Kankurou; I happen to be very fond of him (not like that, I just think he's more social then the otehr two) and I am aware that Gaara will be very OOC.

* * *

Temari glanced over he shoulder at the table. Gaara and Naruto were snickering to themselves, bent over their food, while Kankurou ate his own food. From the back, he looked a lot thinner then she remembered, which was saying something, since Kankurou had always been fat. Really fat.  
  
"What's so funny?" Kankurou asked, frowning at the two younger ninjas.  
  
"Nothing!" Gaara said at once, stuffing his face with rice.  
  
"Yep, nothing whatsoever." Naruto mimicked the action. Kankurou raised a painted eyebrow.  
  
"Out of curiosity, why do you keep putting that paint on?" Temari asked, sitting down as well.  
  
"Because I need it."  
  
"Since when?" Temari raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Since I decided I did."  
  
"You look fine without it, you don't have to keep putting it on."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Say what?" Kankurou's head shot up.  
  
"Yeah, yesterday, you were so out of it, you forgot your paint," Naruto said, grinning hugely. "You also forgot to fasten your hood."  
  
"Say WHAT, now?!" Kankurou's jaw dropped. "You saw my face?!"  
  
"Yep," all three said.  
  
"And your hair," Naruto added.  
  
Poor, abused Kankurou's expression went from "oh my god, no!" to "OH MY GOD PLEASE KILL ME!" in a matter of negative two point five seconds.  
  
"But, on the bright side, you lost a lot of weight!" Temari said brightly, pouring herself some juice.  
  
"Sure." Kankurou repeatedly banged his head on the table.  
  
"You want to go for a jog?" Temari asked, her eyes following him as he continued banging his head.  
  
"Fine. Sounds great." Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Poor Kankurou had no idea what he was agreeing to. Thud. Thud.  
  
"OK! Let's go!" Temari grabbed his arm and dragged him away.  
  
Gaara and Naruto looked at each other. "Well, at least they're healthy," Naruto said, shrugging.  
  
"You mean physically, right? Because no one in my family is mentally healthy."  
  
In the streets  
  
"I feel so violated..." Kankurou moaned, jogging slowly behind Temari.  
  
"Come on, it's not that bad."  
  
"It's my FACE! And my HAIR!"  
  
"So?"  
  
Kankurou starred at her.  
  
"IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU?!"  
  
"Do you really want me to answer that question?"  
  
...  
  
"No."  
  
Later, at the apartment  
  
The three boys (Gaara, Naruto and Kankurou) and Temari sat around the living room, watching TV. Mostly, there were reports of an unnatural fungus/bacteria, which had spread through a certain apartment complex on the other side of town.  
  
"Hey, that looks like my house!" Naruto cried, scooting up so he could see better. "Hello, house!"  
  
Reporter: This just in: Health Inspectors have asked that no one come within a mile's radius of said apartment building for another two weeks. The reason said to be the fact that several assistant agents have left the house bearing several unnatural diseases such as pink and purple boils, and loss of liking for Ramen.  
  
Naruto tsk'ed. "Poor inspectors. They have no idea what they're missing."  
  
"So, you're going to be here for another two weeks?" Temari asked.  
  
"Jeez, why don't you just move in?" Kankurou muttered.  
  
"Really?!" Naruto cried, stars in his eyes.  
  
"No—I didn't—Oh, crap," Kankurou ended lamely as Naruto bounced around, doing what they could only hope was a dance of joy. It was really disturbing, actually.  
  
Later, In Gaara's room  
  
"This is getting boring," Gaara said after a few minutes of discussing their plans for Kankurou's weight in the future. "All we'd be doing is repeating ourselves. They're not completely stupid. They'll figure it out sooner or later."  
  
"I know, but I'm running out of ideas," Naruto said defensively, still a little miffed that Kankurou and Temari had refused that he live with them.  
  
"Ok, fine. Shut up." Gaara crossed his arms, thinking. Naruto watched him, an eyebrow raised, confused. After about five minutes, Gaara said, with a smirk, "Starting tomorrow, he gets taller."  
  
Naruto starred at him, then grinned. He put his hands together and bowed. "You have learned well, grasshopper."  
  
Gaara raised an eyebrow. "What did you just call me?"

The next day  
  
"TEMARI!"  
  
Temari banged her head on the table repeatedly. "Why me...? Why me...?"  
  
"TEMARI!"  
  
"You better go," Naruto said from the sofa where he and Gaara were eating their breakfasts. "He sounds like he's dying."  
  
"TEMARI!"  
  
"I swear, I had nothing to do with said dying," Gaara said as Temari gave them both death-glares.  
  
"TEMARI!"  
  
"I'm coming," she groaned, dragging herself down the hall.  
  
"TEM—"  
  
"I'M COMING!" they heard her roar. Behind the roar, they heard the distinct sound of an overly large fan destroying several innocent household items on the way down the hall.  
  
Gaara turned the TV volume on mute, and they both strained their ears to listen to what was going on down the hall.  
  
"...I seriously don't get it!" they heard Kankurou plead. They could almost feel Temari's glare of utmost hatred. "It doesn't make any sense!"  
  
"Why are you always so late in everything?!" they heard Temari snap. "You were late being born, you were always late to school, you were late mastering Justus; the only thing you're NOT late to is a meal!"  
  
"Would you like me to be late dying, then?" Kankurou asked, his voice dripping sarcasms. "Then everything would be in order."  
  
"Heaven forbid I disrupt your life's cycle!"  
  
"Hey, Gaara!" Kankurou called. "Sorry, but you'll have to wait a bit longer before you murder me in unusual ways."  
  
Gaara and Naruto exchanged looks. "I swear, once they hit a certain age, they get psychic," Gaara said, looking thoroughly annoyed. They turned when both older ninjas stomped into the room. The two younger ninja's eyes immediately flicked to Kankurou's ankles and wrists, where several extra inches of skin were showing. They, now experts at not showing amusement (actually, Gaara was always an expert; he had to teach Naruto, using several painful maneuvers which usually included band aids) turned their faces into masks. Naruto said, quite curiously, "What's up?"  
  
"Baka here's going through puberty again," Temari snapped.  
  
"No, I'm not!" Kankurou snapped. "Just because I got taller doesn't mean I'm going through puberty again!"  
  
"Actually, Temari," Gaara said suddenly, "Yashamaru said that boys go through about ten years of puberty, or something like that."  
  
"They do?" Temari and Naruto said together.  
  
"Yeah, I heard that, too." Kankurou nodded. "Dad told me a couple years ago."  
  
"How is it I didn't know?" Temari asked icily.  
  
"Um, 'cuz you're a girl," Kankurou said through a laugh. "You must have gotten the 'other' talk."  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence which several crickets thought their duty to destroy.  
  
"Right. But that still doesn't explain how you could grow five inches over night," Temari said, by way of breaking the silence. "It doesn't make sense."  
  
"Sure it does," Naruto said, grinning.  
  
Temari raised her eyebrow. "It does?" Kankurou asked, after a few minutes.  
  
"Well, yeah, I mean, you haven't been doing any growing for a while, so I guess it was just building up over time, and then just started rushing out all at once," Naruto said, a helpful diagram appearing behind him.  
  
The Sand-nins exchanged looks; what worried them was that Naruto obviously believed every word he said.  
  
"Naruto," Temari said, in a slight worried tone, "what were your grades in Ninja Biology during school?"  
  
"34 percent." Naruto put a hand behind his head and grinned. "But I think I turned out ok."  
  
"Oh—Oh, yeah, of course," the three Sand-nins said together, nodding.  
  
(A/N: Muhahahaha another chappie finished! Oh, yes, I received a flamer about the prolog, so I thought I'd clarify something about the Health Inspectors. They really weren't bugs; they were humans with gas-masks on, and Naruto, in his childishness, thought they were. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone who thought I was being dumb. I thought Kankurou could lose a little weight, since everyone says he was fat, I think it'll be a confidence booster for him; maybe he'll even get rid of the face make up!)


	5. Of Bricks and Boards

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS

I recall saying I was gonna wait a while before I posted this but I got bored and frusturated with this other fic I'm trying to post, so I decided to redeem myself for myself by posting this chappie. TY for all y'all's reviews!!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! Lol. Please read and review this one too! I wasn't really sure about it. BTW, I'm having sort of a Kankurou obsession for now, I don't know why, but I do...ha ha. . .

* * *

Chapter Four: Of Bricks and Boards  
  
"This is really ... really uncomfortable," Kankurou groaned, pulling down on the ankles of his pants for the millionth time that day.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Temari asked, glaring at him over her shoulder from where she was ordering take-out.  
  
"Guys don't do cut-offs, Temari!" he snapped. "And I don't do elbow sleeves, personally," he added, pulling down on his sleeves.  
  
"Well, get over it," Temari snapped, going back to her phone conversation.  
  
"Hey, Pig-ears," Naruto said, coming out of Gaara's room. "We can help you stunt your growth!"  
  
"Thanks, Naruto, but I don't like coffee," Kankurou said coldly, tugging at his sleeves. "If you made some, give it to Gaara, he chugs that stuff like you would not believe."  
  
"Really?" Naruto looked at Gaara, who shrugged.  
  
"Gotta stay up somehow," he said innocently. "Coffee wasn't on the list, but if you guys made some, I'll have it." He looked around the kitchen, but, to his dismay, there was no substance containing the power to draw even the sternest creature alive in a fit of giddiness.  
  
"So what are you talking about, then?" Kankurou asked, crossing his arms suspiciously.  
  
"Come in here," they said, grabbing his arms and dragging him down the hall to Gaara's room.  
  
"Wait—What're you doing?!" Kankurou shouted, digging his heels into the carpet.  
  
"Kankurou," Naruto said, kicking his feet out so they were literally dragging him away, "our soul purpose in this mission is to help YOU out."  
  
"Why do I get the feeling this could be painful?" Kankurou whimpered as he was dragged into Gaara's room.  
  
Temari sat down on the sofa and picked up the remote, changing the channel. Soon, she became immersed in a soap opera, and was on the tip of her seat, chewing on a pillow in suspense, when she suddenly heard blood-curdling screams.  
  
"WHAT?! WAIT! WHAT'S THAT BRICK FOR?! GAARA, STOP! NARUTO LET GO! TEMARI!"  
  
Slightly amused, Temari abandoned the soap opera and went down the hall, curious as to what Gaara and Naruto would need with a brick. When she opened the door, she suddenly burst out laughing.  
  
Kankurou stood in the middle of the room with a board balanced perfectly on his head, and a large amount of bricks piles neatly on the board. She could see small plates of sand under the board, keeping it balanced, while Naruto, using the Wall-Climbing technique, stood on the ceiling, placing brick after brick on the pile on Kankurou's head.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked, holding her side.  
  
"Well, we decided—"  
  
"YOU decided," Gaara corrected coldly.  
  
"—That if there were enough bricks between him and the wall, he would stop growing, because there would be nowhere else for him to go," Naruto said, grinning.  
  
"So, how are you planning on making there be no more space?" she asked, not sure if she really wanted an answer to that question.  
  
"We're planning on putting a wall from the board to the ceiling, without an inch to spare," Gaara said plainly. "The powers of growth shall be over- powered."  
  
"Temari, help!" Kankurou sobbed, as brick after brick was added to the pile. "I don't want to be short when I'm old!"  
  
"Well..." Temari cocked her head to one side.  
  
"Careful you don't slouch, Kankurou," Naruto said in a taunting voice. "If you do, you'll probably be stuck that way for the rest of your life."  
  
"Temari," Kankurou sobbed. "I already don't have that much of a neck, and I can feel what I have getting pushed into my rib cage!'  
  
"It'll only improve your pig-like appearance," Naruto assured him, by way of comforting.  
  
"SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THE MADNESS, PLEASE!"  
  
That someone was Temari. Half and hour later, all four of them were walking down the streets of Konoha, Temari in lead, with a leash on both Naruto and Gaara, for safety measures. Both were very much annoyed with her, but the true question was whether or not she cared.  
  
"Where are we going?" Gaara asked, scowling at his leash, which was a bright pink.  
  
"To your punishment," she said coldly.  
  
"For what?" Naruto asked.  
  
Temari and Kankurou (who repeatedly massaged his neck, and was wearing his father's clothes again, which, oddly enough, had legs which went at least a foot past his ankles, even though he had always been within five inches of his Father's height, and he had strangely just grown five inches. Snicker, snicker) starred at him. She shook it off. "I've decided on a punishment that will benefit you both, and will give me great pleasure to behold."  
  
"You're not my mom," Naruto howled.  
  
"Yeah!" Gaara snapped. "Mother is proud of me! She says I've learned well!"  
  
Kankurou and Temari exchanged a look. "I'm sure, Gaara, but I'm not," Temari said, stopping in front of a large white building.  
  
"ARE YOU TAKING US TOA SHRINK?!" Naruto shrieked.  
  
"No ... although that's a good idea," Temari said, musing. "Come on, Kan—" She turned. "Kankurou?"  
  
The puppeteer stood halfway down the street, shaking his head, his face blanched. "Ohh, no, you're not taking me in there again, ARE YOU CRAZY?!"  
  
"Well, actually..."  
  
"Don't answer that," Gaara said. "The reactions can be painful."  
  
"Where are we?" Naruto asked.  
  
"Naruto, Gaara," Temari said in an evil-genius voice, "I'd like to introduce you to ... THE GYM."  
  
Chirp, chirp.  
  
"The what?" they both asked.  
  
"DON'T GO IN THERE, GUYS!" Kankurou screamed, running up and grabbing their leashes and yanking them away from Temari, causing them to be dragged on the dirt by their throats.  
  
"Shut up, Kankurou!" Temari snapped, grabbing the leashes back.  
  
"I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM GET TORTURED, TOO!"  
  
"IT WAS JUST YOGA!"  
  
"IT WAS AN ART CRAFTED BY THE DEVIL!" Kankurou shouted.  
  
Five minutes later  
  
Kankurou pouted slightly, crossing his arms, a red leash extending from his neck to Temari's hand.  
  
"Gee, thanks, Kankurou," Naruto snapped, sitting on the floor next to the check-in counter while Temari signed them in.  
  
"Hey, I tried!"  
  
"If you had tried harder, would we be here?" Gaara said coldly, currently trying to cover his own leash with sand to block out the pink.  
  
"...Shut up."  
  
"Come on, guys, we have a private yoga class," Temari said, tugging on the leashes, drawing stares from people as she dragged them across the room.  
  
"Don't ask," all three boys said, crossing their arms while Temari dragged them away.  
  
Ten minutes later  
  
"Um ... excuse me?"  
  
Temari turned from where she was sitting on her yoga mat. Beside her she had her brothers and guest sitting on their mats (which, to Gaara's utmost horror, matched their leashes). "What?" she asked the lady from the check- in counter.  
  
"I'm afraid your yoga teacher is stuck in traffic, and won't be here for another half an hour or so."  
  
"Ok..." Temari took several dangerously deep breaths. "Ok, fine, I'm not gonna let it bother me..."  
  
The three guys looked at her nervously.  
  
"I'm here to relax," she said in a dangerously low voice, "so I'm not gonna let it bother me that the whole world is INCOMPETENT!"  
  
"Um ... hey, Temari?" Kankurou said in a weak voice.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Er ... what about those whack-o massage things?" he asked, grinning timidly.  
  
"...How did you know about those?"  
  
"I saw them when I was dragging my half-dead corpse across the building to the changing rooms."  
  
"Hmm...Ok, then. But we're still doing yoga."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"It's not that difficult, Kankurou, remember?" Naruto asked mockingly.

But Kankurou didn't hear him. He was sitting in a darkened corner of the room, moping around in misery.

"I swear he's adopted," Gaara muttered.

(A/N: This chappie was kind of weird...REVIEW! The whole "adopted" thing wasn't made up by me, a reviewer ( KageNoKatana) let me use it.She gets da credit for the insanity! muhahahahahahahahahahahaaaa. yep. Hope you enjoyed this; the next one is gonna be the last one. Sowwy! I have alot more stuff coming out, tho! . hope you like them too!)


	6. Conspiracy Revealed

KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS

Hi! THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS! BIG grin!! I love you all! I didn't think anyone would like this fic so much, since it was kind of corny and pointless. BUT YOU DID! And I only got one flamer! I'M SO HAPPY! I feel loved! But, unfortunatly, this is the last chapter. sob. I am sorry. I still love you all, but I started running out of ideas. I made a buncha lotta friends with this smiles cuz I respond to as many reviews as I can, TY! review this, too!

* * *

Chapter Five: Conspiracy Revealed  
  
"That was fun!" Temari cried, walking home with her brothers and Naruto. The two younger boys dragged their feet, their arms hanging uselessly at their sides.  
  
"Speak for yourself," Gaara snapped.  
  
Kankurou, who had, as he said before, gotten better at doing yoga, just grinned at them. "It's not so bad."  
  
Temari rolled her eyes. "Sure, it is," she said coldly, opening the door to their apartment.  
  
"Are you sure this is worth it?" Gaara hissed at Naruto as they headed down the hall.  
  
"Is what worth it?" Temari frowned.  
  
"Erm ... Nothing," Naruto said innocently, putting his hands on the small of his back and pushing, drawing several grotesque noises from his protesting back.  
  
"That wasn't a nothing, nothing," Temari said, frowning. "That was a something, nothing."  
  
"No, it wasn't," Gaara said through a scoff, going down the hall.  
  
"Hold it." Kankurou grabbed both of them by the backs of their shirts and yanked them back onto the sofa.  
  
"What is going on?" Temari asked suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing," both said at once.  
  
The two older ninjas looked at each other, then went into a huddle at the other end of the room, as if plotting whether or not they should question them or threaten them. Kankurou, of course, was leaning towards threats. Gaara and Naruto, meanwhile, were in a huddle of their own.  
  
"We should just tell them," Gaara said. "We're running out of ideas, anyway. Sooner or later, they're going to realize he hasn't had a growth spurt or anything."  
  
"How could they find out?"  
  
"There's this thing called a measuring stick. Anyway, lets just tell them. This is boring."  
  
"The last idea was yours, though."  
  
"That's beside the point," Gaara snapped, two minuscule pink spits appearing on his cheeks.  
  
"Ok, fine, we'll tell them," Naruto mumbled, with a look of defeat.  
  
At the same time, Kankurou had won Temari over, saying that threats of torture always worked on kids their ages. Completely ignoring her questions of how he knew this for a fact, he made his way back to the two younger ninjas.  
  
But before Kankurou could say anything, Naruto cried, "Ok, ok, we'll talk!"  
  
Temari and Kankurou exchanged glances. "Ok..." they said slowly.  
  
Naruto signed the sigh of one revealing his most treasured secrets. "I know why Kankurou had been losing and gaining so much weight."  
  
"Eh?" Kankurou's painted-over eyebrow skyrocketed.  
  
"You can explain any time now," Temari said, thoroughly confused.  
  
"Um..." Naruto looked around nervously. "IT WAS ALL GAARA!" he shouted, pointing at that poor little red head desperately.  
  
"WHAT, now?" Gaara said loudly, glaring at him. He briefly contemplated the fact that, if he murdered a certain demon vessel, no one would know, because no one knew where he was. Oh wait. Temari and Kankurou would know. CRAP.  
  
"Gaara?" Temari and Kankurou said together, starring at their brother.  
  
"Hey, I only thought up the whole 'lets make Kankurou taller' bit; the rest was his," Gaara said coldly.  
  
"How dare you betray your master, Grasshopper!" Naruto shouted, getting in Gaara's face.  
  
"Grasshopper?" Kankurou said quietly, his eyebrow twitching.  
  
"How dare YOU not take responsibility for your own actions, MASTER?" Gaara shouted back, getting his Naruto's face so that their foreheads touched, both of them pushing for dominance. (Oh shut up, I know that sounded wrong!)  
  
"Master?" Temari said, just as quietly.  
  
"WHAT?!" both ninjas shouted, whirling around to glare at Kankurou and Temari.  
  
"N-Nothing..." they squeaked, waving their hands before their eyes.  
  
Gaara and Naruto went back to bashing heads.  
  
Suddenly, a large fan slammed down between them and opened, blocking them from each other's view. "I don't care who did it, the point is that both of you had a part in it."  
  
Kankurou nodded, scowling, his arms crossed. "That's right, T—"  
  
"And it was pure genius!" Temari cried, pulling her fan out of the semi- large crater it had formed. "How did you figure out what to do?"  
  
Kankurou fell over anime-style. "TEMARI!" he whined, jumping up, a large bump forming under his hood.  
  
"Well, you told us to amuse ourselves," Naruto said, shrugging. "So, we did."  
  
"... I feel so used," Kankurou mumbled. "Can I have my clothes back?"  
  
"Er..." The two younger ninjas glanced at each other. "Eh-heh-heh, um ... Kankurou?"  
  
Kankurou felt a cold sweat trickle down the back of his neck. "What?"  
  
"We kind of ..." Naruto looked at Gaara for help.  
  
"We destroyed them," Gaara said emotionlessly, although Kankurou just had a brief spell in which he temporarily died.  
  
"No, we di—" Naruto winced as Gaara elbowed him in the ribs, an action which clearly said "Shut up! Work with me!"  
  
"We still have the sumo-wrestler clothes, though," Gaara said, by means of assisting. "Those fit."  
  
"See, it's ok, Kankurou," Temari said, smiling. "We'll just take them out and have them—You're not listening, are you?"  
  
Kankurou wandered away down the hall, mumbling to himself about something that sounded oddly like "elephant skin," staring at the floor.  
  
"Hey—Ka—Kankurou!" Temari called after him. "Kankurou, watch—KANKUROU, STOP!"  
  
He wasn't listening.  
  
THUD.  
  
Kankurou groaned, sliding down the wall he'd run into, and stayed there.  
  
"Do you wanna get him, or should I?" Temari asked, looking at the two boys.  
  
"Hey, we bathed him! You—y'all have fun," Naruto said, grinning and backing up.  
  
"Yes, ah, all of the above," Gaara said, backing up, as well.  
  
"Ok, come on, fatso," she mumbled, grabbing Kankurou's arm and yanking up, a mental note to keep a lock and a seal on her wardrobe formulating in her mind.  
  
(A/N: Ok, all done! Actually, it's more that I ran out of ideas to torture Kankurou with, like I said before. Also, I have a secret; while you all were begging for me to get to work on this, I had all the chappies planned out and written. Don't you just hate me? Nah, y'all love me. Right? ... right? RIGHT? suddenly feels nervous.) 


End file.
